The Recluse
by Mag8889
Summary: Gordon went paranoid...
1. Chapter 1

He was closed. For all. The room was closed. He took of the suit off and all he had left was underwear. He felt like the suit attracts them. He had to get rid of it! But also, it was impossible, because he was already shut down in this old bunker. He hoped it was a bunker. The door was solid, sound doesn't travel beyond this space. They won't, they can't find him.

He hid his head in his arms, sitting in fetal position. That was the best he could do for now… Before he dies. It felt so close, so damn close… But still far away, until he stayed in this dark and pretty warm space. His body was in pain. Not because of physical effort… He was so much in stress, the whole body couldn't handle it anymore. Sweat was dripping down and he got a glimpse of a thought, he'd get dehydrated before a fast zombie can run down to him, carrying this horrible scream.

He pressed his back closer to the soulless surface of the wall. It was solid, cold, dirty and covered in these cheap, color drained tiles. This could be some creepy bathroom in some mental institution… Even better. It fits him.

He heard a very distant howling… and moaned shortly himself, in terror.

"Shit" Said to himself with broken voice. "I'm such a coward…I'm just finished…"

He slowly stretched his arms and body in order to move to the other part of his hideout…or rather, to crawl there. The body was stiff and even in all it's glory it looked tired and weak.

He knew he's not thinking clear, although it wasn't clear to him what is true or false lately… The fear felt so real, filling in his body like a broken dish… dripping slowly from up, to the bottom. And barely flowing away… Just enough so he could flex some muscles, that's all.

The howl repeated again and it wasn't so distant anymore.

"Oh my god!" He cried and panicked. "And I don't even believe in god…"Commented quietly, as if he wanted to calm himself…

He looked around in haze, barely seeing abandoned suit in the dim light. His eyes were wide open and shining with fear. It was stupid to leave the suit! It was idiotic to let himself to use all the ammo and then just lose his crowbar.

The dirty and rusty floor appeared so unfriendly, the light started blinking slightly and he froze cold with a vision of being buried in the dark. With no weapon and no protection whatsoever. And the ear tearing moan came from even closer. His breathing became so heavy that he felt almost like collapsing but managed not faint, yet. His pupils must had been widened to the maximum.

He moved quickly to his feet and ran to the other end of the room.

"They gonna kill me. They gonna kill me. I'm gonaa turn me into zombie, like they've always wanted!" Depressing spiral of thoughts wouldn't let go!

"I'm a fool! If they will ever find me...Unless I come out … No!"

His feet got wounded several times. He turned right and saw a long corridor. It was so surprising. He expected to be completely isolated here. No, he wasn't thinking clearly at all…

He touched his forehead and closed his eyes. "They gonna kill me… Infect my brain…"

Cold fear dipped down his brain once more. He took a deep breath.

His whole body was so cold… The scream came just from behind his back. He just completely lost it. He ran and ran… and ran. Time was speeding up and slowing down in the same time. All the objects became blurry. He completely forgot his name. He was so scared, so scared, like never before… The zombies were deadly.

"Gordon!"

"Aaarghh!" A total scream of insanity. He jumped on the creature that said his name but some other hands pulled him back and held.

He wanted to struggle, yet was already completely exhausted.

The hard to recognize figure appeared to be a woman. She looked really worried but he had a very big difficulty to recognize any emotions. He thought she still plans to kill him!

"Jesus Christ! Gordon! It's you?" Her eyes were showing surprise and worry. She spoke with very gently and caring voice, with her gun down. "Put him down boys… And … Give him water and something to cover!"

He just collapsed to the floor like a dummy. Someone gave him a bottle so he tried to drink but his hand was too shaky. Someone helped him.

"No way Alyx, he's in shock. A deep one… He may not even recognize you now…" Said some other man. But were they real? The moan didn't repeat anymore, so maybe they were that zombies?

He just wanted to run away from here.

"I must say I've never seen him like that. It's just… I'm in shock myself now."

"Are you zombies?" Said the man quietly.

The woman almost cried. His voice was so weak.

"Are you gonna kill me?"

She wanted to hug him, but the other man showed with a gesture it's not a good idea. They gave him a blanket, that was good enough.

She put her gun on the floor and gently approached, still keeping some distance.

He looked at her as she squatted to be on the same level and look into his eyes. She reached her hand but he shuddered abruptly. His eyes were almost unconscious as he really couldn't recognize her. He couldn't tell who is human or not anymore. Although he tried to focus.

"Gordon, it's me…Alyx."

He wrinkled his forehead."Alyx… I know you…"He whispered. "Are you a zombie too?"

She sighted deeply and looked up for a second, trying to handle this weight.

"No matter what you think or feel now… You are safe Gordon. We killed all the zombies. "

"Even the one that was chasing me? They gonna kill me…. They want my brain!" He was so determined.

BAM! A loud shotgun shot echoed from a distant room.

"Yeah! I got the fast one!" Shouted an enthusiastic male voice and some other cheered.

"Oh my god! Thanks god!" Gordon closed his eyes and started crying.


	2. Chapter 2

This piece is written for the author's self-pleasurement and doesn't carry intention to please anyone else ^_^ except the author herself. However, if you like it and comment, the author's pleasure will be even bigger!

Gordon was present here with his body and partially with his mind. Fixing his blank eyes on the much more friendly wall, than the one before, he seemed to be much calmer. His lips were slightly open, as if he froze with a though ready to be said.

A pitiful sight…. Alyx sighted for the fifteenth time this day, being forced to look at this once strong and brave man… Now she couldn't stop the rumors and bleak looks and opinions buzzing among the Resistance.

"Doctor Freeman is finished", "Doctor Freeman is not who he was supposed to be" "Gordon is mental"

She wiped his face with a wet towel again. What else they could do? No psychiatrist or at least a psychologist was available in the area. Or at least none wanted to admit to be one. Perhaps because the responsibility was just too big.

"They don't want to help the savior of the human kind!" She said to herself while trying to warm up his ice-cold hands. They did everything they could for him, but whatever had happened… The doctor was keeping the horrible truth to himself.

"You're a doctor, but no one can help the doctor like you. " She looked down on his palms wearing signs of many combats, despite the heavy duty protection of the gloves. "Maybe you can help yourself, Gordon?"

All the sudden, the doctor sighted deeply. And started breathing rapidly like he was going thrugh a nightmare with his eyes open. He was perceiving something in his mind. Whatever it was, she couldn't do more than to put her hands on his arms. H was still very resentful with hugging approach.

He blinked rapidly and she finally saw the face of the old Gordon, very tired and pale, but it was him. At least for a while… He gave Alyx a look as if predicting she was a threat or not… Focused for a few seconds trying to remember…

"Where are we?" He said in the end. She felt a relief.

"Oh my god, Gordon! I was so worried…"

"Where are we Alyx? Where is my crowbar?" His tone wasn't friendly enough. It was pretty bitter.

She let go his arms, because he ignored her touch anyways.

"I want my weapon!"

She was already standing in a safe distance, feeling almost the same bitterness. Gordon was still in a shock, or maybe went paranoid… And she couldn't believe it happened to him like it had happened to dozens of people before.

He stood up and went crazy. Although he was still too weak and walking on feet wounded to the bones, he managed to make a wild leap right to the locked door! Alyx hesitated too much. Sick or healthy, Gordon was a killing machine and now he was a paranoid killing machine.

As he was jerkjing the door handle and screaming how badly he need is crowbar, the door opened and he was pushed to the floor. A few guys heard him and came for the rescue. Pretty much the same guys that were "assisting" Gordon back in that underground facility.

"Let me go bastards! If you want to kill me, why you keep on playing with me?" Moaned Gordon pinned to the ground.

"Grab him, Joe. Don't listen to him!" Instructed the chubbier man, that had seen the doctor first in shock.

"Easy to say…" The other guy was clearly surprised how strong the doctor is. He barely managed to hold his right arm down, almost being hit in the face a second before. "Geez, no wonder he made it in Black Mesa."

The chubby guy just chuckled a bit, still shy to laugh at the man that he respected.

Gordon stopped struggling. Alyx was staring at this scene speechless. She could see a new Gordon, a drama queen! He was in a worse mental state then they expected…

"I just wanna go home…" Whispered Freeman and closed his eyes.

He was squeezing his crowbar so hard, that his palms went almost totally white, with bones and

veins clearly standing out. His eyes were perfectly still, piercing like lasers anyone who happened to come across.

Dr Kleiner looked as if he stopped perceiving Gordon as a human. He didn't say much and avoided any conversations about his mental condition. He was more than worried, Alyx could se that actually, Kleiner is close to a nervous breakdown himself, as visibly as a scientist like him could be.

He just gave Freeman this few weird gazes and went back to his quarters. Computers and exotic matter was much safer now. Dr Freeman was the unknown, therefore dangerous substance.

But since he got his crowbar, that they had found buried in a pile of zombies and zombines, he calmed down a lot. Just started giving everybody this extremely disturbing looks, as if he wanted to kill you. But only if you behaved in any suspicious way and that was almost anything. Alyx shivered when she got under that look for the first time. The man she once knew, was much more than she thought before. He had some kind of majesty in his insanity… Intelligent beast.

He refused to eat and when he slept, he was having some horrible nightmares. Talking and moaning, sometimes even for two hours in a row…

Alyx got brave enough to come closer only when he was asleep now. His post-traumatic stress disorder was slowly making her anxious too… He was whispering some gibberish again, holding the crowbar in right hand like it was a teddy bear. Very suitable.

She was thinking how to tie him up or do something else so they could force him to eat. You could see already he lost a few pounds. They gonna have to use a drip solution if…

"Don't kill me!"

Alyx jumped back and the guarding guy moved forward, ready to protect Alyx and Freeman from himself. Gordon moved abruptly to the other side and continued to sleep. Making some surprising satisfactory sounds.

She touched his forehead gently, where some tiny pearls of sweat were forming and felt that he's much too hot. He was too hot anyways… But she had to act quickly, before he wakes up and goes crazy again. It was extremely hard to get enough sedatives for a grown up man and even harder to apply any to him.

Alyx ordered the guard to bring all the stuff she needed.

His clothes were covered with sweat, so it was necessary to take off his clothes. She almost felt some primitive pleasure thinking of it. However, Gordon's state left nothing for romantic atmosphere…

"I'll help you, Alyx" Said Jack.

That would prevent all unwanted thoughts.


	3. Chapter 3

It went pretty smooth. Although it meant not that good for Gordon. He just managed to mumble something, while still holding the beloved piece of metal. It kinda impeded the taking-off-clothes procedure.

They had a working thermometer and Alyx went through one of the most stressful minute of her life, waiting for the result. It wasn't that bad. They just have to keep him cool and give him water.

Half-conscious, Freeman opened his eyes and let someone to give him something to drink. He didn't fight or showed any aggressive behavior. Last two days had just exhausted him totally. He may had forgotten all the fear and paranoia… This is what she was hoping for, while watching him drinking with quite a pleasure.

She tried to erase all the thoughts of Freeman lying naked in bed or at least more naked than she usually could see him, but it was damn hard. She turned to another corridor, to get to the headquarters and discuss the current situation. If there was any alien attack, at least she could busy her mind with more important things… And it was all so calm. She talked to the watchers and they were pretty bored as well.

Except that looks they were giving here from time to time. How could she forget? Finally, when she wanted to leave and check Gordon, one of them asked: "Erm… So… How is he… How is doctor Freeman doing?" He was so much shy that it almost made her chuckle.

She smiled. Not really enforcing that smile… "He's having a fever and is absolutely exhausted."

They just went mute with the honesty of her reply. Their eyes were wide open.

There was no time for half-truths during war.

"So… He's …he's gonna be fine?" Asked the shorter guy with hesitation, fixing his eyes on her.

Alyx swallowed. "I don't know yet. We have to keep calm… For him. You guys know what was going on last two days. But don't talk too much about that. Just… Focus. If anybody attacks us, doctor Freeman will not protect us this time."

She turned around and left them a bit depressed.

"I don't wanna die… Why do you keep on doing this? Why are you doing this?" Gordon was going through the worst part of his fever dream. Feverishly squeezing the crowbar. It appeared even more pitiful to her. Alyx stood next to his bed, squeezing out another wet towel.

"Stop persecuting me!" He tried to scream but it was really quiet. Just aloud in his mind. She sighted and wiped another part of sweaty forehead. His glasses were put next to the bed, on the well-preserved cupboard. Expecting to be used by the brave man he once was.

Doctor Freeman got the best room, the best bed and the best bed sheets they could find. But he really didn't care. He was in delirium for last eight hours.

The guarding guy was really trying to be discreet. He avoided looking in their direction. Alyx stopped carrying too. But in the twilight, she could admire again the nice shapes of his arms and some of the chest muscles. Visibly thinner and sick, and yet exposing how his body got trained through the neverending story of combats with virtually any enemy that visited Earth for the last few months.

She wrinkled her forehead and squinted while forgetting about the man by the door.

And then Gordon opened his eyes. And seemed to be really clean and conscious this time… His breath was calmer. She jumped with the sound of metal hitting the floor. And then she focused on him again.

"Alyx… Help me…"

Tears filled up her eyes instantly and she started weeping. He closed his eyes. Someone knocked on the door using the secret code. Joe grabbed his gun and opened the door very slowly and cautiously… Alyx was kneeling next to the bed and managed to take a glimpse of the unexpected visitor.

"Oh my…" She said through the tears." It's you? We though you won't make it! He needs your help!" She exclaimed with hope and happiness.


	4. Chapter 4

„I hope it will be worth what I give up…" Said Freeman with resignation.

There was a light behind him. He looked at himself again. Feet wearing heavy boots, impressive segments covering his muscular legs and arms. Front chest panel that looks pretty massive but it all really fits like second skin. And that freakin crowbar that always finds a way to get back to him. He weighted it in his hand. The same one…

"My dear friend… This crowbar would have more right to exist if it was a boomerang." He finished this sentence and opened his mouth astonished with his own words. What the hell was he talking about? Boomerangs?

"And what do you give up all your life, the one free man?" Asked smooth voice but Gordon already felt like drifting away into the light, to the other shore…

He heard his own scream. It was like a curse. He had woken himself up with a scream at least dozen of times before. It was cold? No… Too hot? Was he having a fever?

He opened his eyes and immediately immersed into the worst hangover wake up ever. Ever!

"Aaaaaaarghh!" He explained how bad he felt and can someone help him.

There must had been a bunch of people around him. But he couldn't see very well. No! In this reality there was no crowbar, his glasses or freakin comfy and dry H.E.V. He was wet all over? Was this some kind of a bath nightmare?

"Take it easy doc!" Shouted some very familiar voice. And it irritated him.

After a few tests of his mouth movements, he finally expressed his feelings. "What happened? Who are you? Give me my glasses! Am I naked?"

He heard a chocked laugh. It wasn't that funny from his perspective. He taught his unconscious mind to always ask about that, even when he was pissed drunk. It always saved lots of trouble in the future….

From the mass of hands around him, one pair came closer to his face and put his glasses on. So he stopped wriggling and froze to recognize people around him.

Hmmm… That must had been Alyx… Some guy from the Resistance – he also froze and gave Freeman some amusing looks. Was he gay? Never mind! He moved his head a bit up, still lying down. Some more people he couldn't recognize and then he leaned his neck to see who is at the bedhead.

"Aaaa!" Immediately, so many arms grabbed him and put down on the mattress. He could not move much now. They hadn't say a word. It was too creepy! Maybe it was a dream and he was still wearing his suit and holding the crowbar, sleeping in some dark ass room or something?

"Let me go you fuckers! What the hell happened? Have I killed someone or what?" his eyes unintentionally wondered back to Alyx's face and her look said it all. So he panicked even more, totally forgetting he's only in his underwear lying on bed, surrounded by some crazy worshipers of Vortigaunts. Because one of them was standing just over his head.

"Who have I killed this time?" He asked with weak and trembling voice.

"Thanks god, no one yet!" Explained Alyx with some sort of hurt in her voice.

Gordon took a few deep breaths, as he started feeling strangely dizzy. His head felt fuzzy while the alien was chanting something.

White light, like in his dream, started pouring onto his head and along his chest. It was really cold…

Deep, buzzing voice or maybe just a noise filled in his ears. He felt… saved.

"So, are you ready to let it go, finally?" Asked familiar voice from a side. The speaker was hidden in the twilight.

Gordon was there wearing H.E.V. and holding crowbar like nothing happened…. He looked at his hands covered with shiny material of gloves. Much more than he remembered. He looked around and saw nothing but some very abstract shapes and shades of greyish and black… depths…

He felt fear but kept quiet and the voice didn't say anything. So he hit the ground with his boot as hard as he could and it didn't cause any sound. Like the floor was just an illusion.

"Shit."

He got a small enlightenment. Took of his right glove quickly and touched his beard. "Shit!" Shaved so smoothly like rarely ever… Perfect goatee… Something was really wrong here…

"Hell… I can throw away this crowbar." He waved the crowbar with his left hand, demonstrating it to the hiding voice. He threw it to the ground. "You see?"

"No, that wasn't that."

Deep breath. Mixed sounds and pictures… He was back! He was sitting down in the water!

"It's alright Gordon." Said Alyx.

He could barely open his eyes.

"You just have to try harder. You're much better already!"

His feet hurt so badly.


	5. Chapter 5

He started shaking, because the water was so cold! Shivers were going through his whole body and he felt completely humiliated. Tried to protect himself from any further invigilation or whatever they were planning! He clenched his teeth in anger and tried to see anything from behind his glued eyelids. But it was so impossible. He felt almost blind!

And she was here, just next to him! What the hell was she thinking!

Gordon crossed arms on his chest in a desperate attempt to keep himself warm and turned his head to where he had a glimpse of Alyx.

"What the hell are you doing? I respected you… " Teeth trembling forced him to pause. The cold was becoming too much to bare. "I even trusted you… But this is too much!"

He thought he heard some suppressed weeping. So he felt kinda sad, not really knowing what's going on… "It's alright Alyx… Whatever I've done… I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." He said and had no clue what he could be sorry for. The past was pretty much muffled. What bad things could be happening because of him, except him insulting someone again?

Was Alyx real? Maybe they were playing real so good, he would never tell? How long they've been cheating him? How long?

"How long?" He suddenly stood up making this big splash of icy water. The woman looked at him helplessly, while the alien was forced to stop the chant. "How long have you been misleading me?" He erupted again and rushed out of the bath tub. His face winced when awareness of horrible feet pain came back. Barely seeing anything, but he kept on walking.

"No…" Alyx voice was gentle and sad.

The Vortignaut was quick and grabbed his arm. Freeman just turned and hit the alien's biggest eye. The creature faltered and moaned with a very strange, low noise. It didn't stop totally wet, young man.

They weren't ready for that this time. Everyone in the room outside just stared at Gordon who stopped their conversations, not sure what they should expect. There were a few of Resistance members.

He stood there for a few mute seconds, swept the situation with his squinted eyes and then jumped, pushing the closest guy to the ground. The man shouted and was completely stunned for a moment. A moment which Gordon used to jerk the gun out of his holster.

"Now everyone drop your guns and faces down to the floor!" He unlocked his gun and pointed it to one of the other men.

Someone started speaking in a language that Gordon could not recognize, so he aimed at that foreigner.

"You! Shut up!" He waved with the pistol. "Do what I said!"

Poor guy replied something very nervously, while putting his machine gun gently to the floor. Together with other people.

The alien stayed in the bathroom door, slowly gesticulating all his appendages in a gesture of surrendering. Calmly tracking the aggressive man with his minor eyes.

Gordon was making big and a bit awkward steps, leaving diluted bloody trace on the floor.

He kept on feeling pain but that was just too much. He's getting away from here! They won't deceive him any longer!

"I'm getting outta here…I'm running away! Just go along this corridor… I remember, pass the radio room, down the stairs. Keep the gun in emergency close to the body!"

He went through the corridor unnoticed.

"Apparently everybody are busy with something else… Like conspiring against me!"

He clenched his teeth, breathing heavily from fury and pain.

"Why they're making it so easy to escape now? Where is everybody?" His mind was approaching full emergency state combined with "I can barely stand on my feet" state.

He heard a noise, so he moved quickly and touched the wall with his back. Gun kept in the right position, like he was praying to it. He sighted and noticed that it was getting hard to keep his hands steady. He was an emotional wreck…

"Gordon…" That was that woman again! He couldn't trust anyone here. Even Alyx!

"Gordon! Please… At least let's talk. We don't want anything from you, except you to feel safe. I know you don't trust us… Just give me a chance." How could she sound so authentic? He felt sorry for a split second but pulled himself together.

He limped to the stairs and started painful way down. He cursed on how slow he was and wet underwear didn't help!

Finally, when he was almost by the exit, he reminded himself , that this ugly building had a back entrance. Probably less guarded.

_These aliens are everywhere… Was there any sense in running away? _

He looked at his gun with a new glimpse in his eyes and smiled weak. If they weren't chasing him now, they must had been sure he wouldn't get away. What was the point of all this?

"Gordon…"

A voice behind his back. He turned around and slowly pointed his gun into approaching woman. She stopped, trying to hide panic on her face. He looked up the stairs but no one else was there. So she was the queen of the aliens!

"Don't! Don't come any closer!" He growled.

She raised her hands, showing that she had no guns whatsoever… "Gordon…Please… I wouldn't trust anyone too! I came unarmed, just want to talk!"

"Stop that! I know what's my name! And you've been using it much too much!" He lost his balance and almost slipped . Alyx rushed to help him, but froze when he aimed at her, supporting gun on his knee. "I told you to stay away…." His voice was clearly weaker and breaking.

He staggered slightly while getting up but got awaken by the bloody stains on the wooden floor. There was no time to loose! He run awkwardly.

"You have to let it go." Said voice in his brain. Gordon touched sides of his head.

"Stop that! Now you're in my mind?"

_I have to get out of here! Where is that damn exit! _

"Gordon! You'll hurt yourself even more!"

_This woman is just impossible! I don't know what they want form me, but they won't get it_!

"…just don't shoot him!"

_What? She's giving orders not to shoot? Why?_

He turned right, almost being sure he got lost in this huge building! There was the inconspicuous back entrance!

_Just a few steps and I'll be free! Maybe Combine will take me to their troops if I sell them some information? Why did they wound my feet so badly? Was I tortured? This is why I'm so shaken up!_

_Just five steps and I'll reach the damn door handle!_

"Hey, Doc, stop!" Another familiar voice behind his back.

_I won't even turn around this time…_

"Watch out Gordon!"

The world whirled suddenly and he felt hard wood under his arms. Faint hand dropped the pistol.

_Shit! I'm getting weaker! But still strong enough to get up!_

"Gordon, that was enough." That was Barney, touching his arm! He was just over his back.

Terrified doctor spotted the gun and reached for it desperately. And grabbed it. And put the barrel in his mouth with a glimpse of sudden realization. That was the only way…

"No!" Shouted Barney. Losing all his self-confidence he stepped back with fear, expecting Gordon to take a shot in any moment. "You don't really wanna do this doc. You know it… Isn't everything too crazy to be real?"

_That is the only way. I'm just a pawn in someone's hands… And no one knows, except me and him… I could've had a great scientific career and all I did was killing hundreds of creatures… Only me and him. I'll have my revenge!_

"No!" Shouted Barney again, almost certain that Gordon was closing his eyes for the last time.

Then a sudden burst of light came out of nowhere and covered kneeling Freeman, still willing to pull the trigger. That was the last thing Barney could spot and then he heard a close gun fire.


	6. Chapter 6

The light was gone so suddenly as it appeared. Barney opened his eyes with a sheer fear going through his whole body. His muscles were stiff and brain slowed down. Despite that, he looked straight ahead, to face the horrible truth…

"Gordon!" Screamed Alyx like never before. She was crying. She passed by confused man. After he managed to stop thinking about how crazy or brave Alyx is, he saw no blood or ingenious brain pieces splattered on the wall.

"I… I'm so afraid of this man…" Muffled Gordon, supporting himself on a nerby wooden box.

Barney was not totally sure if doc is not a ghost now. He was even more pale, bruises under his eyes…

How the hell he even managed to stay alive in this state… Alyx was very cautious and didn't approach battered man yet. Her face was a mix of fear, astonishment and sadness.

Gordon kept on looking down, close to losing his consciousness.

"I wanted to escape. But this man… He's like a damn shadow. He creeps me out more than anything…" He stopped to take a breath and winced. "So I pulled the gun out of my mouth… And I shot him instead." He swayed towards the floor so Alyx caught him. Barney fallowed.

"You'll be alright Gordon." She said gently. "Whoever it is, you'll be alright. You're stronger than all of us"


End file.
